Once upon a time, in a land covered in rain and clouds, I went to a zoo. I have always loved the bug area. The beetles are fascinating, the stick-bugs hilarious, and the butterflies are beautiful. But alas, they always put the spiders with the bugs. Newsflash: Spiders are not "bugs." At any rate, every time I go to a zoo, I have to entrust whomever I am accompanied by to guide me safely past the spiders.
At this time I had a boyfriend. We were exploring the bug area and I knew the spiders were coming up. I could feel it. The hairs on my neck started to stand up on end and I could feel too many eyes on me for my comfort. I closed my eyes, he walked me past them, and planted them in front of the stick bugs. I opened my eyes and was confronted with something terrible. There was a tarantula. It was reared up on it's hind legs, 2 front legs planted firmly on the glass, which was mere inches from my fact. It was trying to push the cage apart to get to me. It's eyes were rolling in it's head. It's fangs dripping with hunger. And then it did something I will never forget. It hissed. I still here the hiss in my nightmares- echoing throughout my subconscious as if my mind is a cavern with really great acoustics.
I screamed. And I don't just mean yelped. I. Freaking. Screamed. I screamed like I was being murdered or attacked. I felt mentally and emotionally affronted. I screamed so loud that the people near me scattered- assuming the worst: One of the bugs got out. Security came rushing up right about the time I started seeing spots as the color drained from my face and puddled on the concrete below my feet. I don't remember any more of that day. I have no idea when we left or if I got to see the giraffes before I went home to cry and sit in shock. The giraffes are my favorite. This is not okay.
That boyfriend? He didn't last long after that.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Spider in Your Eyes, and Subsequently, Spider In Your Shoe
So at work it is fairly well-known that I am, by the fullest of definitions in my opinion, an arachnophobe. In looking for a cartoon picture of spiders (that did NOT look real) online, for example, I actually began to feel faint given the overwhelming amount of tarantula photographs that came up. Even in sample thumb-nails of said pictures I felt queasy almost instantly.
Every so often someone makes a joke regarding me and spiders. Ha ha, very funny. So occasionally when I hear entertaining stories regarding the eight-legged terrors I pass them along at the office. I was listening to a local radio station who has this amazing afternoon show. Every show they have a piece about really bizarre global/national/local tidbit of news. Yesterday it was this (which I then shared with my coworkers):
A man had itchy, red, watery eyes for weeks. He bought eye drops of every kind. Tried homeopathic remedies. Rinsed out his eyes with cool water, and even went to his doctor several times. Every morning he would wake up and the problem would still persist. After a couple more weeks, he had had enough. He went to an optometrist and declared that he will not take no for an answer- he WILL get an examination. Upon closer inspection (with use of a microscope) the doctor found small barbed hairs protruding out of the man's corneas. When he talked this out with the man, he discovered he owns something called a Chilean Rose Tarantula. Apparently this species, when startled or alarmed, will let out a fine mist of poisonous barbed hairs from it's own body- meant to hurt the attacker. In the end, the owner of this beast had to undergo surgery, where DOZENS of hairs were removed from his eyes individually. (Serves him right owning that thing!!)
After this story was all said and done, I received an email with the title of "Spider in Your Shoe." I was fully expecting another strange (terrible and gut-wrenching) story of a spider. In your shoe. However, when I opened said email, I was confronted with something beyond my worst nightmare.
Picture it. It's 1973 and you just saw someone walk by with a gold fish blinking out at you- from the inside of their plastic see-through platform heels. Creepy. Right? Wrong. What's creepy is when, instead of a goldfish in all it's cute and bubbly glory, you see a tarantula. Rearing up at you. Hissing. (Granted, this was just a picture. It couldn't possibly hiss. But I'll bet if it could have, it would have been.)
Naturally, I squealed and pressed delete as fast as I possibly could. Upon closer inspection by a coworker, I am told that it had flies in there as well for food. I will never know from first hand experience if this is true.
Every so often someone makes a joke regarding me and spiders. Ha ha, very funny. So occasionally when I hear entertaining stories regarding the eight-legged terrors I pass them along at the office. I was listening to a local radio station who has this amazing afternoon show. Every show they have a piece about really bizarre global/national/local tidbit of news. Yesterday it was this (which I then shared with my coworkers):
A man had itchy, red, watery eyes for weeks. He bought eye drops of every kind. Tried homeopathic remedies. Rinsed out his eyes with cool water, and even went to his doctor several times. Every morning he would wake up and the problem would still persist. After a couple more weeks, he had had enough. He went to an optometrist and declared that he will not take no for an answer- he WILL get an examination. Upon closer inspection (with use of a microscope) the doctor found small barbed hairs protruding out of the man's corneas. When he talked this out with the man, he discovered he owns something called a Chilean Rose Tarantula. Apparently this species, when startled or alarmed, will let out a fine mist of poisonous barbed hairs from it's own body- meant to hurt the attacker. In the end, the owner of this beast had to undergo surgery, where DOZENS of hairs were removed from his eyes individually. (Serves him right owning that thing!!)
After this story was all said and done, I received an email with the title of "Spider in Your Shoe." I was fully expecting another strange (terrible and gut-wrenching) story of a spider. In your shoe. However, when I opened said email, I was confronted with something beyond my worst nightmare.
Picture it. It's 1973 and you just saw someone walk by with a gold fish blinking out at you- from the inside of their plastic see-through platform heels. Creepy. Right? Wrong. What's creepy is when, instead of a goldfish in all it's cute and bubbly glory, you see a tarantula. Rearing up at you. Hissing. (Granted, this was just a picture. It couldn't possibly hiss. But I'll bet if it could have, it would have been.)
Naturally, I squealed and pressed delete as fast as I possibly could. Upon closer inspection by a coworker, I am told that it had flies in there as well for food. I will never know from first hand experience if this is true.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)